Memories

I can’t think of my first memory. I remember the day my sister was born. I think. Or I just remember all the times I was told about it. So it makes me wonder how much of this the kids will remember.

Will Tate remember all the days without us? Will he remember watching Scarlett change? I know that he is still young but he is so smart. Brock and I can tell that this is affecting him. I want to make sure that he has something good to remember. Maybe we will start a project to help someone else. I’d like to inspire him to do good things. To help someone and make a difference in someone’s life.

I’m not sure that enough of this is making a direct impact on Evangeline that she will remember any of this. Everyone keeps saying that her mind is too young to form long term memories. I wonder if they have done studies on toddlers in traumatic situations. Do they retain more of those moments? Either way, I do hope that her siblings will be able to inspire her to be generous in spirit. I hope that she remembers that she was loved every day and that she and her siblings were always the most important things on our minds.

Part of me hopes that Scarlett forgets every wretched detail of this disease. I hate that she knows how to take her own temperature and blood pressure. I hate how she knows how to make sure her buddy (IV pole) doesn’t run over her tubies. I hate that she knows where everything is in this hospital. Its a crappy thing to have to remember. Every poke and exam. Every ache and pain. Every hunger pain and mouth sore. I pray that she forgets it all!

The other part of me hopes that she remembers everything. I hope that she remembers how strong she was. I hope that she remembers that she knows how to take her own temperature and blood pressure. I hope that she remembers that she was smart enough to know how to make sure her buddy doesn’t run over her tubies. I hope that she remembers the generosity of strangers. I hope that she remembers being surrounded in love. I hope that these memories shape her into a generous, caring and compassionate woman.

I hope that there comes a day when Brock and I can remember the good things that came out of this experience before the bad. I don’t ever want to forget the bad moments because I believe that they will shape us into better people. They should inspire us to be there for the next family that is diagnosed. We have met so many wonderful families that have given us advice, hugs, a shoulder to cry on. I hope that all the bad memories will give us strength to help others. And I hope that the good memories will encourage us to share all of these moments with our children. I want them to know that they are the bravest kids I know.