August 18, 2014

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Day 10: Back to Work

Brock and I returned to work today. We had a lot of feelings about that – sadness, guilt, joy…

Of course I don’t want to leave my children. I never have. I would love to stay home all day and snuggle and talk and give hugs and kisses. It makes me sad to miss out on moments in their lives. I have always been very sad to hear about how much fun they had or to see the art projects that they did and know that I wasn’t the one that got to do that with them. Now that we are dealing with this, it makes it all the harder to leave. I was able to sneak out of the house this morning without any tears (from the kids anyways). I drive all the way to work with a pit in my stomach that I am leaving my terribly sick child with someone else.

But we have an excellent nanny. She is not just a babysitter or caretaker but she is family (and she would be even if she wasn’t related to us). I leave knowing that besides Brock, our parents and siblings and myself they are with the next person that loves them the most. She will do an excellent job of keeping Scarlett safe. Besides, Scarlett has always napped better with her than us. (I blame it on my awesomeness!).

I think it is also good for Brock and I to get away for a moment now and then. It’s good to have something else to focus on. I’m not denying the fact that I spend quite of bit of time thinking about what is going on at home. I recognize that I called home a lot more today than I ever have in the past. But I also laughed. And had conversations that didn’t revolve around cancer. And I vented and shared our new life. I hope that Brock was able to do that too.

During our initial meeting with Scarlett’s oncologists they said something that kind of surprised me. “Don’t do anything stupid. Go to work.” Obviously, we need insurance. Since I carry our insurance, I MUST work. I don’t have an option. Without that, we would not only be fighting this battle emotionally for the rest of our lives but we would be in financial hell. I have applied for FMLA so that I can be with Scarlett when she NEEDS me.

So until we win the lottery, it’s “hi ho, hi ho!”

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